Have you ever had that feeling that you’ve been here before. That sinking feeling of familiarity around a situation. The person in front of you is different – but the words that come from their mouth echo those you’ve heard before. How is this happening again?
It happened to me a couple of months ago with someone who I’d mistakenly thought was different. They’d made all the right noises to begin with. And then, without warning, everything changed. In one breath telling me how much they loved me and with the next announcing to the world they were in a relationship with someone else. A vision of a shared future shattered in an instant along with the trust and respect that I had naively thought was there between us.
What made it all worse was this was a repeat performance. Whilst he was someone different last time round – the words, the actions were the same. No matching and just hollow. I’m again left questioning what I can believe from anything they’ve said. Afterall actions speak louder than words ever can.
But I’ve been here before. And this time it feels like the universe is testing me. Did I learn anything from last time around? Am I going to respond differently now?
To start with it was that familiar game of me being the victim and him being the villain. But is that the case? Trying to be objective as I can – I suspect it’s more of a case he’s a victim of his circumstance and I got caught in the crossfire. Childhood patterns of feeling alone, leading to a dependency of having someone right there, in person at all times. Certainly not a healthy reason to get into a relationship if that is the case – and in time it will come back and bite him. Preferably sooner rather than later for his own sake.
Take a deep breath and ground for a moment. Step away from the him and the heat of that fire until you’ve regained composure. Be clear on what you want. Don’t settle for anything less.
I feel a growing sense of strength as each day comes. A realisation that unless relationships in my life are built on trust, respect, honesty, integrity and truth. Effort needs to be made equally by all those involved. Without any of this, and as hard as it may be in some cases, I have to walk away.
So I’m now left waiting and wondering. He claims he wants a friendship. But for that to happen he also knows he needs to make an effort towards rebuilding what he broke. Will he? The ball is very firmly in his court now. The next move is for him to make.
I wait without holding my breath but with hope in my heart.
The Eco Monkey 